What's Next, Life?

Back in 2019, before I landed my first job, I was getting a bit emotional and doubts started to creep on me.  I was beginning to doubt myself, my decisions, and how I have been taking things, as it has been more than a year since I started actively looking for a job but still found none.  That is why, I tried to write about it, just so I can process my thoughts well and I can let it out, somehow.  But the post remained as a draft because days after my initial write-up, I received an email for a job offer (yey!) and I wasn't able to get back on the blog that I was trying to write.

Since I am trying to blog again, I am gonna share it here:

What's next life?

"An update to your app is available. Update now!" Notifies my phone. I tapped it, and the app store was launched and started to download new files about the update. Then it's done! My app is now in version 6.1.2. Great!

Sometimes I wonder, it's good for these apps to have some updates every now and then. For it to have a better version, new modifications, and bugs fixed. But how about my life? How about my personal life? How about me? What's new life? What's new self? I feel like my life has been "stagnant" as if I am stuck in this stage, this version of me, for a very long time now. Have I been too relaxed or lazy? Have I been too laid-back in life? What have I been doing all this time? What's next life?

Two thousand seventeen. It was the year to be. February of that year, we won 1st Runner-up for the Best Engineering Project in our University. And in the same month, we finished defending our Final Year Study - our thesis. Two months after, we celebrated the moment that we were all waiting for - graduation. It was indeed the happiest time of my life (so far) because it was the only moment that my family was complete. Then June 2017 comes wherein I went to a new place and enrolled myself in Review Classes in preparation for my licensure exam. Finally, November came. I took the 3-day examination and got a positive result after 2 days. Everyone was so happy. I was so happy. "I am now a licensed Chemical Engineer. I can now add the prefix ENGR. to my name." I was so happy! Truly, it was a great year. However, little do I know that something was waiting for me - or so I thought.

Flashback. Ever since, my path in life has been straightforward, simple, and certain. When I was in my tween days, my goal was to finish every grade level with an award. High School, same goal, finish with flying colors. Then comes College. I dreamed of being a consistent Dean's Lister. But I only experienced it once. Apparently, I happened to choose a quite difficult degree. Well, as they say, any degree is difficult, it's subjective. So I changed my Dean's Lister goal to as-long-as-I-maintain-my-scholarship goal. Of course, it still wasn't that easy. Every end of term, I would be so anxious and worried if my grades reached the mark that I was supposed to maintain for my scholarship. That is why I get surprised every time I check my grade book to see my grades reaching the mark. So I was an academic scholar for my whole stay in College.

Okay, where am I? Oh, back to the path thing. Yes, after College, the next path for me to walk on was to take and pass my licensure exams. And I did. Successfully. And the end.

The moment I entered the next path, everything was so uncertain. I thought I would go through it as easily as the previous paths. I thought everything would go smoothly as I imagined it. But I was wrong. Life became so uncertain. The path became hazy and foggy and all the uncertainties. Should I rest for a while? Should I pursue graduate studies? Or should I find work like everyone does? If I do find a job, what would it be? They say you need to find a job that would suit you. Something that you really want to do. But what do I want to do in life? What is it that I want?

Two thousand eighteen. I decided to finally take the road most taken - get a job. So I installed the famous job searching applications on my phone and made my profile. Then I sent my applications to every company that I believed I was qualified for the job they posted. I received invitations for an initial assessment and interview. Oh, how I giggled the moment I read the emails and text messages and got nervous every time my phone rang with an unknown number calling. It was like a love letter to a fresh graduate like me who knew nothing about how things actually work. I was so enthusiastic going to the site, answering every question and all. However, landing a job wasn't that easy. Been interviewed by company representatives once or twice and then nothing. I heard nothing back from them. I went to 1, 2, 3 and more and more companies, but I got nothing. I landed on nothing. Only then I realize that this must be it. This must be the reality that adults talk about - the real life.

Initially, I only planned to stay in my home city.  But as things weren't going my way, I eventually explored other cities for a job.  Hoping that I would get more opportunities in a bigger city, I braved myself and left home -  my comfort zone.  However, my year ended with no "plot twist" as I landed no job.  I sent applications to all kinds of industries - government, manufacturing, sales, law firm, design, etc.  Yet, I found myself in the same story line.

But despite all of it, I remained hopeful. I held on to what people would say to me: "Great things happen to those who wait."  So I kept on waiting.  Kept on waiting for that (my) door to finally open.